I write this blog about a new experience in my life: Motherhood. Being a mom is more than just dirty diapers, shopping for the kid, and staying up at all hours of the night especially when the baby is sick. It is more than balancing life, work, marriage, and the child. It is something spiritual. I never believed it six months ago when I was exhausted in the labor and delivery room and they brought this tiny (very tiny) girl to me. I did not even believe it a few days later but after 2 weeks, I was hooked! I was hooked beyond belief and to this day, it amazes me that I can truly love someone unconditionally this much in life. You can’t appreciate motherhood or being a mom until you are one and truly, that is when you realize the sacrifices your own mom or parents made for you. It is an amazing feeling at 4am when I am nursing her, to look down at her and see her sleeping there, wow! I did this! I am part of this creation!
I cannot write enough about motherhood – I could go on for pages and pages about how I feel but anyone who is a mom out there knows what I am talking about. Daily, I feel a conflict – when I go to work and leave her behind or contemplate leaving her at day care. You can hear all the advice about letting her cry it out, or leaving her with a day care center, and not hear a word because this is your child, your creation, and you have to do what is right for you and her.
All I can say is that these new frontiers are wonderful! Sure, I am exhausted all the time, and I do not have time for sleep, bathing, or even writing this blog, but one smile, one laugh, one grin, and it does not even matter. It is all about her! Your world becomes the child. What an amazing new adventure we are experiencing – one I would not trade for anything or all the riches in the world.
Wow! I write this after taking over a year break from this blog. I am amazed as I go back and re-read my entries from 2005 to now, how much my life and my perspective on life has changed. I am now a mom to a beautiful baby girl who was born to us in May of 2007. I am still married to the same guy and despite growing pains in our initial months of marriage, we somehow managed to see the good and keep it together enough to decide to bring a child into the world. It is amazing to see life through the eyes I have now – a wife, a mother, and someone who counts her blessings daily.
As I look back and read my old entries, I am amazed and in awe of all that has happened to me. I remember writing an entry on crossroads when I was wondering whether to leave the Air Force. I was wondering whether I made the right choice – starting a new job in Colorado and a new marriage and leaving behind the unsettled life of the Air Force. I also have a new job now which I joined in 2005 which has turned out great and I work now with people who respect me and truly value me and my work. So, as I come back to Blog, can I say anything now in reflection of those times?
Of course, in retrospect I can say that I made the right choices and as a result, have a beautiful child who is the joy of our lives. My marriage is on the right track and hopefully, growing a little more in love daily. My job is wonderful and the people truly need me there. Of course, in retrospect I can say all of this because now, over 18 months after the last post, I can say things turned out quite well. But, that can change in a few minutes so I will not sit here and say life is perfect. Life is anything but perfect but it is our attitudes, our feelings, and the words we use with others that make our life what it is… it can either be bitter, negative, and hopeless or it can be …. PERFECT in our eyes.
Recently, my sister-in-law started to blog and it reminded me of how much fun I used to have writing stories and sharing “life” on this blog. I have so many blogs I saved and did not publish – it was nice to have an online journal tracking the happenings in my life and think about issues, politics, work, and my relationships. I also noticed a couple of blogs I used to follow have started to add entries – So, to all you bloggers out there- thanks for inspiring me to start again on this. It is good to be back and back when my life has changed so much for the better. Stay tuned…